ALL RIGHT. WE GOT THE SHEPHERD HERE.
WE GOT THE ANGEL HERE.
WE GOT WISE MAN, WISE MAN....
AND SAMMY SOSA.
JIM, HONEY, WE REALLY NEED TO GET ANOTHER WISE MAN.
ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING OF TURNING THOSE TWO WISE MEN IN
FOR A CLEANUP AND A CLOSER.
OH, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
IT'S TOO TANGLY.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME SEE.
I CAN WORK WITH THIS.
OKAY, COME ON, SNOWFLAKES. LET'S GO OUTSIDE.
COME ON, GIRLS.
UH-HUH.
HUH?
AHHH.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?
WELL, IT'S, UH...
THE STAR OF BETHLEHEM.
AHHHH. AHHHH.
YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE IT LIKE THAT.
WELL, HONEY, THEN, YOU CAN TAKE THEM IN AND UNTANGLE THEM.
AHHHHHH.
HAH!
OH, BABY.
THIS IS YOUR GRANDMA WHEN SHE WAS YOUR MOMMY'S AGE.
AND THIS IS YOUR DADDY WHEN HE WAS YOUR MOMMY'S AGE.
WHAT'S THAT ON DADDY'S HEAD?
HAIR.
HEY.
I GOT HAIR.
I JUST DON'T COMB IT FORWARD ANYMORE.
PICK IT UP. MY MOM'S GONNA BE HERE IN 3 HOURS.
YOU STILL NEED TO POLISH ALL THE COCKTAIL FORKS.
YOU KNOW, I RECOVERED A GAME-WINNING FUMBLE IN '79.
SWEAR TO GOD.
Andy: HELLO, EVERYBODY!
HEY.
HEY, CHERYL, I NEED TO CHANGE
FOR THE KIWANIS CHRISTMAS PARTY.
MIND IF I USE THE BATHROOM?
YEAH. GO AHEAD.
JUST DON'T USE THE LITTLE TOWELS...
OR THE TOILET PAPER OR THE TOILET.
LOOK AT YOU.
WIFE CRACKIN' THE WHIP, MILADY?
ACTUALLY, A LITTLE LATER ON-- STICK AROUND--
I'M GONNA WAX MY LEGS.
UNH-UNH. THAT HURTS.
WHY CAN'T YOUR MOM JUST STAY IN A HOTEL
LIKE SHE DOES EVERY OTHER TIME?
WELL, BECAUSE THE HOLIDAYS ARE TOUGH ON HER
SINCE MY DAD, YOU KNOW, LEFT US.
CHERYL, MY DAD LEFT US
ON A 30-YEAR SEARCH FOR A PACK OF SMOKES.
YOUR DAD DIED.
AND, YOU KNOW, COME ON,
IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS, CHERYL.
IT'S OKAY TO SAY THE "D" WORD NOW.
WHATEVER. MY MOM IS COMING.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
NOW GET BACK TO POLISHING YOUR SILVER.
THIS IS NOT MINE, BECAUSE IF IT WAS MY SILVER,
I'D BE MELTING IT DOWN RIGHT NOW.
OH, LOOK, IT'S MOM AND DAD'S WEDDING PICTURE.
OHH.
HEY, SEE THAT PEARL NECKLACE
GREAT-GRANDMA CHERYL'S WEARING?
SHE GAVE IT TO MY MOM,
MY MOM IS GONNA GIVE IT TO ME,
AND WHEN YOU GROW UP,
I AM GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU.
HOW COME NOT ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE MIDDLE CHILD,
AND THE MIDDLE CHILD DOESN'T COUNT.
GIRLS, DID YOU CLEAN YOUR ROOM?
YES. YES.
GIRLS, GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[ BOTH WHINING ]
I KNOW, I KNOW.
THANK YOU, GIRLS.
HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
SEE YOU LATER, ANDY.
MY CHESTNUTS ARE ROASTING IN THIS THING.
Uncle Andy's Santa Claus!
I know!
YOUR MOMMY THINKS I GIVE YOU TOO MANY PRESENTS.
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOMMY
BECAUSE I'M HER MOMMY.
YEAH, MOM, YOU REALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
THEY'RE GONNA GET PLENTY OF PRESENTS FROM SANTA.
REALLY? WE'RE GONNA GET LOTS OF PRESENTS?
YEAH, SURE.
I WANT A DOLLHOUSE.
YEAH? GO TELL IT TO SANTA.
SHE JUST DID.
AND SOME FOR MY GIRLS.
AHH!
[ MOUTHING, NO AUDIO ]
HORS D'OEUVRIES!
OOH, JIM, NICE FANNING OF THE CRACKERS THERE.
HONEST TO GOD, TIME WAS RUNNING OUT,
I WAS ON THE GOAL LINE, EVERYBODY CHEERED.
OH! OH!
I MEAN, THAT WAS MY CHAIR.
NO, NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY!
NO, NO, NO, I HATE THIS ONE.
DANA, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
IT'S SMART THAT YOU STAY TRIM. MEN LIKE THAT.
REALLY? THANK YOU, MOM,
BECAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING OF GOING ANOTHER WAY, BUT--
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD ACCENTUATE YOUR BOSOM MORE.
YOU HAVE SUCH NICE BOSOMS. AM I RIGHT, JIM?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T KNOW, MAGGIE.
I'M AN ASS MAN.
OH, CHERYL...
NOW, WHY DO YOU HIDE YOUR EYES WITH THOSE BANGS?
MOM, EVERYBODY WEARS IT THIS WAY NOW.
WELL, IF EVERYBODY JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE,
WOULD YOU DO THAT, TOO?
TODAY I WOULD.
AND THERE'S MY LITTLE KYLE.
DOES MY PEANUT WANT A PEANUT?
NO, MOM, HE CAN'T HAVE A PEANUT.
HE COULD CHOKE OR DEVELOP AN ALLERGY.
OH, NONSENSE, HONEY.
I USED TO GIVE YOU KIDS PEANUT BUTTER
ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU WERE BABIES.
A LITTLE SMEAR AROUND THE NIPPLE
WAS THE ONLY WAY I'D GET ANDY INTERESTED IN THE BREAST.
Dana: HEY, YOU GUYS, LOOK.
THIS IS THE ORNAMENT THAT DAD GAVE US
WHEN YOU GUYS WENT TO LONDON.
YOU REMEMBER, MOM?
YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE SOMETHING COLD TO DRINK.
UH...OKAY, MOM. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
I'D, UH, LOVE A GLASS OF TOMATO JUICE.
OKAY, UM, I'M JUST GONNA RUN TO THE STORE, AND--
OH, NO, NO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
NO, NO, MOM. IT'S OKAY.
I HAVE EVERY OTHER JUICE, JUST NOT TOMATO JUICE.
NO, NO, HONEY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE DIFFICULT HERE.
I'LL JUST HAVE SOME... CARROT JUICE.
UH...MAGGIE, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
HOW ABOUT YOU AND I SPLIT A BEER?
I'LL TAKE THE INSIDE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THESE THINGS?
I GOT A BOOK IN THE BATHROOM.
HA HA HA HA HA!
OHH! "I DON'T WANT TO BE DIFFICULT.
I'LL JUST HAVE SOME IMPOSSIBLE JUICE."
WHO HAS TOMATO JUICE? DO YOU HAVE TOMATO JUICE?
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TOMATO.
WELL, ACCORDING TO MOM,
YOU HAVE VERY NICE TOMATOES.
HMM.
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHY I'M NO LONGER WELCOME IN CANADA.
[ MAGGIE LAUGHING ]
OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.
SO, WHERE AM I SLEEPING?
OH, I THOUGHT THAT THE GIRLS WOULD SLEEP IN KYLE'S ROOM
AND THEN YOU COULD SLEEP IN THE GIRLS' ROOM.
OH.
THE GIRLS' ROOM.
OR YOU COULD SLEEP IN OUR ROOM.
OR...YOU COULD SLEEP IN THE GIRLS' ROOM.
AUGH!
UNH!
HOW DOES ANYBODY SLEEP IN THIS BED?!
NO WONDER GRACIE'S SO DAMN GRUMPY ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, HONEY, THAT'S WHERE SHE GETS IT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER DID TONIGHT?
SHE WASHED THE DISHES.
LET'S KILL HER.
NO, NO, AFTER I WASHED THEM.
IT IS SO INSULTING.
OHH.
OH, IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN MY DAD WAS HERE.
HE WAS SUCH A GREAT BUFFER.
I LIKED HIM. YEAH.
HEY, YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO GO TO RESTAURANTS TOGETHER
AND WE WOULD ALWAYS WRESTLE FOR THE CHECK UNTIL HE TOOK IT?
CHERYL, THAT IS A MARK OF A GREAT MAN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH 3 DAYS.
I HAVE AN IDEA THAT WOULD KEEP YOUR MIND OFF IT.
AAH!
Jim!
Jim, this is our children's room,
and my mother is right down the hall.
Oh, keep talking, keep talking, keep talking.
SHE'S GONNA RUIN MY CHRISTMAS.
I WISH SHE'D STAY IN A HOTEL.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HOW ABOUT IF SHE STAYS HERE WITH THE KIDS
AND WE GO TO A HOTEL?
YOU KNOW, WE CAN MEET IN THE BAR.
YOU COULD BE... ANGELINA JOLIE,
AND I COULD BE...
WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE HER, I'M GONNA BE ME.
GOOD NIGHT, JIM.
[ SQUEAK ]
THAT WAS NOT ME.
[ SQUEAKING ]
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.
IF I CAN'T SLEEP OR HAVE SEX, I'M GONNA EAT.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
OHH! DAMN IT, JIM, THAT WAS YOU!
HEY, MAGGIE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?
OH, COULDN'T SLEEP.
BED UNCOMFORTABLE?
I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO SWITCH ROOMS, THAT'S OKAY.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
THAT MATTRESS IS PERFECT.
IT'S LIKE SLEEPING ON A CLOUD.
WHO'S THE BIG RAISINET EATER?
CHERYL.
SHE DID A BEAUTIFUL JOB WITH THE BEDROOM, THOUGH.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE.
IT'S NOT A HOTEL.
I MEAN, IT DOESN'T HAVE AN HONOR BAR, YOU KNOW.
AND I MEAN, THE TOILETS ARE CLEAN,
BUT THEY'RE NOT SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION.
JIM, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME TO GO TO A HOTEL?
WELL, MAGGIE,
YOU KNOW, I ADORE YOU.
AND I JUST GOTTA TELL YOU THAT THE TRUTH IS
IT IS A LITTLE CROWDED HERE RIGHT NOW,
AND CHERYL AND I WERE JUST TALKING--
CHERYL?! YEAH.
WHAT?
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO TO A HOTEL?
HUH?
I WAS JUST TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER
ABOUT HOW WE WERE DISCUSSING
THAT MAYBE IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR EVERYONE
IF SHE JUST STAYED IN A HOTEL.
IS THAT TRUE, CHERYL?
NO, MOMMY.
Jim: HOW COULD YOU BAIL ON ME LIKE THAT?
CLOSE THE DOOR.
HOW COULD YOU TELL MY MOTHER TO GO TO A HOTEL?
CHERYL, I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
BESIDES, NOW SHE'S NOT GOING, THANKS TO YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT PIE WAS FOR CHRISTMAS!
SHE ATE SOME, TOO!
DID SHE LIKE IT?
YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!
CHERYL, YOU HAVE TO STAND UP TO THAT WOMAN.
I CAN'T.
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA BE 10 YEARS OLD
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
YEAH. YEAH?
YEAH!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE HERE?
ME?! YES, YOU!
NOW, NOW, CHRISTMAS IS GONNA BE A MESS,
JUST LIKE THANKSGIVING, HALLOWEEN, AND EASTER.
YEAH? WELL, MAYBE YOU NEED TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF
AND FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU DO
THAT MAKES ME RUIN THE HOLIDAYS.
I MEAN. CHERYL--
J-J-JIM, DON'T. REALLY, JUST DON'T!
[ SIGHS ]
YOU HAVE A CHAIR STUCK TO YOUR BUTT.
I'LL GET IT IN THE MORNING.
HEY, CHERYL, COME ON IN!
WE'RE OPENING UP MAGGIE'S GIFTS!
YEAH, MOM, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TONIGHT?
WE HAVEN'T EVEN WRAPPED OUR PRESENTS FOR YOU YET.
WELL, SINCE I AM LEAVING FOR AUNT CAROLYN'S TOMORROW,
I THOUGHT WE'D DO IT NOW.
ASK SANTA.
YOU ASK HIM.
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE. YOU HAVE TO GO.
IN A LITTLE BIT. NOW CUT IT OUT.
YOU'RE STARTING TO MAKE ME MAD.
Both: WE'RE SORRY! WE'RE SORRY! WE'RE SORRY! WE'RE SORRY!
WE'RE GOING TO BED!
LOOK! WE'RE GOING TO BED!
YOU ARE NEXT, CHERYL.
I WONDER WHAT THAT IS.
OH, WELL, THAT IS YOURS.
HERE'S YOURS, CHERYL.
OH.
DANA?
MOM, ISN'T THAT FOR CH--
DANA, TAKE IT.
OOH.
GRAMMY CHERYL'S PEARL NECKLACE.
THANKS, MOM.
[ BLOWS KISS ]
HEY, CHERYL, LOOK-- GRAMMY'S PEARL NECKLACE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
BECAUSE IF YOU HAD SOMETHING TO SAY,
THIS WOULD BE THE TIME TO DO IT.
OKAY, THEN.
I GUESS EVERYTHING'S FINE WITH EVERYBODY.
UM...
LOOK! CHERYL'S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!
YOU KNOW FULL WELL THAT NECKLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!
LOOK, I WOULD RATHER NOT DISCUSS THIS RIGHT NOW.
WHY?
BECAU-- BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER.
END OF DISCUSSION.
N-NO, NO, NO. NO.
IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE PUNISHING ME
BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK I WANT YOU HERE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY WOULD I
WHEN YOU MAKE ME FEEL ABOUT THIS BIG--
WITH BANGS?!
GOD, I AM SICK OF IT!
YOU KNOW, MAGGIE...
I WANTED YOU TO STAY.
AH!
DADDY? YES.
DID YOU FINISH PUTTING IN THE BATTERIES?
WHOO, HONEY, IT'S GONNA TAKE A WHILE.
THIS IS REALLY HARD.
HEY, CHERYL.
BOY, YOU SURE TOOK A LONG SHOWER.
YOU JUST MISSED YOUR MOM.
IT WAS ALMOST LIKE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE WHEN SHE LEFT.
YOU READY FOR LUNCH?
CHERYL, COME ON. IT'S 10:00 IN THE MORNING.
OKAY!
HOW ABOUT A TURKEY SANDWICH?
OKAY.
SO...WE'RE JUST GONNA IGNORE EVERYTHING?
YOU WANT MAYO?
BOTH SIDES.
I'M SORRY. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MAYO.
THEN WHY DID YOU ASK ME?
I WASN'T THINKING, ALL RIGHT?
BECAUSE YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.
[ SIGHS ] FINE.
CHERYL...
NEVER MAKE SANDWICHES OUT OF ANGER.
LOOK, JIM, I DID WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO.
I TOLD HER HOW I FELT.
I KNOW, HONEY, AND YOU DID GOOD.
YOU REALLY DID. YOU STOOD UP TO HER.
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU HAD YOUR LITTLE TANTRUM,
AND YOU STORMED OUT.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S FUN.
YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY LIKES TO DO THAT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, AFTER YOU STORM OUT, HONEY,
YOU HAVE TO COME BACK. YOU GOTTA FINISH IT.
I CAN'T.
YEAH, YOU CAN, HONEY.
YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME WITH ME.
YOU DON'T LET ME OFF THE HOOK.
NO. NO, HONEY, I MEAN, I CAN'T. SHE'S GONE.
CHERYL...
YOUR FATHER IS GONE.
YOUR MOTHER'S AT THE AIRPORT.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
I'LL CALL ANDY TO WATCH THE KIDS.
AND YOU'RE NEVER GONNA HEAR ME SAY THIS AGAIN.
GO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES.
CHERYL, THERE SHE IS.
WHAT DO I SAY?
WELL, YOU CAN START BY SAYING,
"REALLY ENJOYED YOU.
"IT WAS NICE THAT YOU CAME. THE KIDS REALLY ENJOYED YOU.
JIM PREFERS CASH AT CHRISTMAS."
HONEY, I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
OKAY, GOOD LUCK.
OH, THANK YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S A GOOD-LUCK KISS.
WHAT?
HONEY, WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX FOR DAYS.
OH, HONEY, CAN I HAVE A DOLLAR FOR SOME POP?
OH, SURE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
YEAH, IT'S A PURSE.
I'M A BIG OLD GIRL.
HEY.
WELL, HI. I'M SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HERE.
SO, YOU'RE OFF TO AUNT CAROLYN'S?
YEAH. YEAH.
YOU KNOW, MOM,
I AM SORRY I SAID THOSE THINGS,
AND I'M SORRY I WASN'T THERE WHEN YOU LEFT.
OH, THAT'S NOT WHAT I CAME HERE TO SAY.
MOM, I-I JUST--
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE WITHOUT US BEING OKAY.
I'M A GROWN-UP. I'LL GET OVER IT.
NO, MOM, YOU WON'T. YOU WON'T.
YOU'LL DO EXACTLY WHAT I DO. YOU'LL IGNORE IT.
AND THEN NEXT YEAR, YOU'LL COME BACK
AND PRETEND EVERYTHING'S FINE,
AND THE SAME THING IS GONNA HAPPEN ALL OVER AGAIN.
LOOK, I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.
MOM, I JUST-- I WANT US TO GET ALONG.
I WANT US TO BE ABLE TO TALK.
AND I WANT TO KNOW
WHY YOU GAVE THAT PEARL NECKLACE TO DANA.
IS IT BECAUSE OF THE HOTEL THING?
OH, NO, HONEY...
ALTHOUGH IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THAT DIDN'T HURT
LIKE A RED-HOT POKER GOING THROUGH MY HEART.
JIM'S IDEA, HONEST.
LOOK.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING THEN BECAUSE...
LOOK, I WANTED TO GIVE DANA THE NECKLACE
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE SOMEONE IN HER LIFE
TO BUY HER NICE THINGS, YOU KNOW,
TO TELL HER THAT SHE'S SPECIAL,
LIKE YOU HAVE JIM
AND LIKE I HAD YOUR DAD BEFORE HE LEFT.
DIED.
HE DIED, MOM.
I KNOW.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DO HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES.
OH, THANK YOU, MOM.
YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER'S EYES.
AND I MISS HIM.
I MISS HIM, TOO.
CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TAKE THIS PURSE?
I MEAN, I KNOW IT MATCHES AND EVERYTHING,
BUT, YOU KNOW...
Man on P.A.: FLIGHT 63 NOW BOARDING.
THAT'S ME.
WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU, MAGGIE.
NOT IF I SEE YOU FIRST.
HEY, YOU BEEN READING MY BOOK IN THE BATHROOM!
BYE, CHERYL.
OH, BYE, MOM.
BYE, MAGGIE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YOU, TOO.
OHH...
THANK YOU FOR DRAGGING ME DOWN HERE.
WELL, I WAS COMING THIS WAY, ANYWAY.
SO...HOW DID IT GO?
AH, GREAT. SO GREAT.
TURNS OUT SHE GAVE THE NECKLACE TO DANA
'CAUSE SHE THINKS SHE'S A LOSER.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY.
THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
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